The weight of revisions

Having recently wrapped up a couple of obligations, it was time to get back to my own revisions this morning. I was psyched up for it. I had my documents ready - recent critiques, the partially revised WIP, etc. I was motivated. I read a piece of feedback, an idea I was excited to try. Read the piece of my WIP it applied to. Read some other feedback--feedback I've read and reread about a billion times already. Then, gripped by a nearly paralyzing fear, I calmly shut down my laptop and closed my eyes for the rest of the bus ride.

What if I make the wrong choices? There are still many to be made. Do I take person X's suggestion? Or person Y's? Or take neither and stick with my original choice? Do I go back through and continue tweaking, even the parts that weren't specifically commented on? Or do I leave it alone and assume that every word was scrutinized, and accepted or rejected per the comments?

What if I make the wrong choices?

I feel like the weight of my whole career is resting on each one of these many, small decisions.

This is a completely ridiculous idea. I'll never write another word if I take it so seriously. But now that I'm preparing to take the next step and get my work out in front of agents, I can't help but freak out a little (apparently). It's like, I've made it this far, done a pretty good job up until now, so my subconscious is trying to find a way to just freeze time right here--to not have to take the risks that are ahead of me. Crazy nonsense!! This is so not me! And yet, I open the documents and my brain says, "No, we don't want to deal with this now. Go do something else. Are you listening? We're not dealing with this right now! JESUS CHRIST SHUT THE FUCKING THING OFF BEFORE YOU FUCK IT UP!"

I know this is all crazy. I do. I'm laughing at myself in that have-you-taken-your-meds-today kind of way.

But I still feel the fear very acutely.

So, I'm going to go dive right in and hope to hell I'm doing the right thing. I mean, that's all I can do, right?