Grrr.

Apparently today I am a bitter, hateful person. And, really, what better to do when one is a bitter, hateful person than dole out fashion advice? Let us begin.

1. Girls. For the love of Manolo Blahnik, don't buy the shoes if you can't walk in them. I understand that heels the height of skyscrapers are "fashionable" right now but for fuck's sake, listen to me: I don't care how curvaceously fantastic they make your calves look. I don't care how delightfully petite they make your ankles look. If you think everyone is looking at you because you're the sexiest thang in the hallway, you're sadly mistaken. Even children will stare at a fully grown, physically fit human who is shuffling for no other apparent reason than the ridiculous things she's strapped to her feet. You're just making a goddamn spectacle of yourself and knocking the rest of your gender down a few rungs on the ladder of equality. My advice? Save them for the bedroom, where you don't have to walk more than a few paces at a time.

2. Let's discuss pony tails, shall we? Boys, if you have a pony tail please ask yourselves the following questions: Is there more than a centimeter's worth of hair gathered in the tail? Are there more than "a few" fly away strands that routinely pull free of the tail? Does the hair that is gathered into the tail have to circumnavigate a medium- to large-sized bald spot prior to reaching its destination? Because if the answer to any of these questions is yes, you need to cut that shit off. It's time to face facts that the pony tail is a hair style that is in your past. The good news is, you don't have much to mourn because it doesn't look good on you anyway. Find a decent barber or hair dresser (Supercuts DOES. NOT. COUNT.) and allow them to help you find a haircut that will flatter you. Really. You'll be happier and so will we.

3. While we're on the subject of boys, let me say this: Do not fool yourselves into thinking you're getting away with anything when you try to adjust yourselves with the leg shake. Women are not idiots. We are intimately familiar with the male anatomy and it's basic needs. We can use the power of our minds to deduce what is happening when you suddenly shake your legs and hips like you're doing a tribal dance in the middle of a fucking mundane conversation. It is not subtle. It is not--in my opinion--more appropriate than just discreetly adjusting yourself with your hand (over the pants, just to be clear), which would surely get the job done quicker and more accurately, no? Thus preventing the rebound leg shakes that seem to happen so often, in quick succession to the first leg shake? Really, people. We've got to get over all this bodily embarrassment crap. Also, may I suggest boxer briefs? Still sexy and with added support.

4. Girls, I couldn't let the boys leave us outnumbered. Not when I'm All About the gender equality. A word to the wise: See this shirt?

See the horizontal seam in the upper portion of it? Yeah, that's intended to go under your boobs. Under, girls--not over, not on top of, not straight across. Fucking. Under. It is meant to accentuate your breasts, to make them look perky! and young! and desirable! Know what happens when you wear a shirt like that and the seam goes across your boobs? You look like you have The Sag. And The Sag, my friends, is neither perky, young, nor desirable. To anyone. So you, like the dudes of the shittyass pony tails, must accept that your breasts are either too saggy or too large for this style of shirt and LEAVE IT AT THE STORE. Just like the dudes, you're not mourning much because it doesn't look good on you anyway.

Incidentally, I have just witnessed someone vomiting on the side of the road. Surely this is a sign that I should stop spewing my venom upon the interwebs. I'm going to go find some alcohol and bathe in it. Have a pleasant evening.