On Differences, Sameness of

Ideally, this post would have gone up on June 1st but, it's still June so I'm counting that as a win. Things have been a bit hectic around here, what with Writing Fail and JR Ward addictions* and all.

So...yeah. Happy Gay Pride Month! I feel unbelievably grateful to be able to write those words on my blog; the fact that we have a month that is nationally designated to call attention to and celebrate our existence, and the fact that I can openly write those words on a blog in my real name with my real picture as my icon, without fear of retribution, are two of the many reasons I'm thankful.

The fact that we need a nationally designated month at all makes me sad. But progress is still progress, whether it's inches or miles. I'll take what I can get.

I'd like to point you to a series of five excellent posts by YA author Malinda Lo, the first of which can be found here (I found them via the beloved Rejectionist). The series is about avoiding LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning [or Queer, depending on who's defining the acronym]) stereotypes in YA fiction, but it's an all around great series of thought provoking and educational posts on all things "gay" (see Malinda's post for why I put that term in quotes), including terminology.

Here's the thing: there's a lot of fucking nonsense in the world. A lot of violence, abuse, hatred...it seems like we find new and creative ways to destroy ourselves and the world around us every day. It's a wonder that anyone is able to form a lasting, healthy relationship with another human being.

But those relationships...they're the shining lights, right? The goodness in life, the thing we all strive for, the rock that carries each one of us through our struggles. So what does it matter what anatomy is involved?

Malinda's posts do a great job at exposing a lot of the stereotypes--and therefore, the accompanying discrimination--that affects the LGBTQ community as a whole. I want to talk specifically about bisexuality. About myself and my experiences, some of the stereotypes that I've faced.

Let me pause a moment and state that more clearly: I am bisexual.

I'm betting that, although it's been over a decade since I've hidden my sexuality, most of you assumed I'm straight. And why wouldn't you, right? I talk freely about my attractions to men. I'm married to a man. My marriage affords me a sort of default heterosexual status among the general population. It's that way for many of us who are bi--we're automatically lumped in with whomever we're in a relationship with.

Don't get me wrong. I live a privileged life. Excuse me, a privileged essentially straight life. Since I've been married, I've never worried about my partner having visitation rights if I have to be hospitalized. He is a dependent and a beneficiary to my benefits with no questions asked, no special forms, no faking, no proving. Same last name and an opposite gender name is enough. I've never worried about putting pictures of him on my desk at work or mentioning him to my coworkers or introducing him to my parents, relatives, and friends.

But, yanno, the thing is...I'm not straight. And this is a thing that so very many people--gay and straight--don't understand: I'm bi, no matter who my partner is. If this all works out right, I'll spend the rest of my life married to Ben. That doesn't mean that I've stopped being attracted to women. It doesn't mean that my core identity changed when I began a relationship with him--just like it didn't when I was with women.

To me, bisexuality is more than just a sexual identity just as, for many gays and lesbians, their sexuality is a larger part of their identity. Being bi is at the core of who I am; I am open to all possibilities. I do not see things in black or white. Things are not this or that--they are sometimes both, neither. Being bi shapes who I am and how I think and what I feel every moment of the day. Even though I've been in a "straight" relationship for more than ten years now.

So, now that I've talked about what being bi is, let me tell you what it's not:
> It's not about "keeping your options open."
> It's not about being undecided.
> It's not a stepping stone to one side or the other. (People. The Kinsey Scale. 'Nuff said, even if that's hard for you to accept right now.)
> It has nothing to do with monogamy. There are bisexual men and women who are monogamous (like me). There are others who aren't. This is an individual, human choice, made on the same set of values and decision points that gays, lesbians, straight people, and transpeople make them, good or bad.

The reason I'm still typing, even though this post is longer than the freaking bible, is that bisexuality is something that, in my opinion, is often lost in the shuffle. It doesn't make the headlines, except as a juicy, kinky scandal. (Well, and this very excellent CNN article from today. Which, btw, you can largely just swap genders of the men in this article and, voila! You have a window into my life.) We assume that people are straight or gay, based on their current partners.

I learned that there was a name for what I was by reading an article in Glamour magazine when I was in high school. Can you just do me this one favor and think about that for a quick sec? Imagine yourself, sitting on your bed in your early teens, flipping through a fashion mag, and learning for the first time that you weren't the only freak out there who liked girls and boys.

Not for nothing, but that's kind of fucked up.

When I came out to my college roommate, she asked if I did animals, too. It was a serious question. As a young woman seeking a relationship with another woman, I had to wade through dozens of personal ads that said "No Bis" because--newsflash--Bis don't really belong wholly on the gay side of the fence any more than we do on the straight side. I've had people assume I had sex outside of my marriage (Let me say it again: I don't. Everyone gives up the rest of the hot bods in the world when they get married, bi people are the same.).

I did HIV counseling at a local LGBT clinic for over a year. That should have been a safe, welcoming environment for me. And it was -- I certainly didn't have to hide or be afraid of who I was there. But eight out of ten of my clients took one look at my ring and stumbled over telling the "straight girl" about their gay sex lives. My co-volunteers also assumed I was straight, for the large part. It was disheartening in a way I'm not sure I could properly express to know that I was seen as "straight", even there.

So, what is the point of all this typing? It's not for all of you to pet me and say poor Renee. That's so not the point. I just...I wanted you to know that bisexuality is real. That it's important and a part of people and that it gets discriminated against, too. That it's important for you to be aware of...and not to assume things about.

So there it is. Happy Gay Pride Month, world. Maybe someday, we won't even need a special month of our own.

Also, um... if you've got (tactful!!) questions, please do ask. This is all about dispelling stereotypes, so if I can help do that please consider this a safe space to ask open and honest questions.



*Those freaking Black Dagger Brotherhood books are like CRACK. Dammit.